Toad Malfunction
by 12345678910111213141516171819
Summary: The new chapter is kind of wierd. Mario and Luigi are still squabbling. Toad is still saying THANK YOU MARIO BUT OUR PRINCESS IS IN ANOTHER CASTLE repeatedly. Jenny Jones makes a brief, unusual cameo. Mario gets hit with a frying pan.
1. Head Trauma

(A/N: Everything that Nintendo owns is owned by Nintendo)  
  
*****  
  
Peach, Mario, Yoshi and Toad sat around in silence. They looked at each other, not really knowing what to expect. Toad finally spoke up.  
  
"Mario," said Toad, "What are we going to do?"  
  
"I don't know Toad," Mario said, "I don't think there's anything that we can do."  
  
"Yoshi never been so scared in his life," said Yoshi.  
  
Out from behind a doorway stood Luigi wearing an apron and a goofy looking chef's hat. "Dinner is almost ready," he said, "I just need to add the prune juice to the gravy and we'll be all set!" Luigi walked back into the kitchen and started pouring some nasty looking stuff into a pan.  
  
"I think he wants to kill us," said Peach.  
  
"Peach! That was a little mean," stammered Toad, "You shouldn't make jokes at the expense of Luigi, no matter how fun it is."  
  
"I'm not joking Toad," said Peach, "I think he wants to destroy us."  
  
"That's silly!" said Mario, coming to the defense of his brother, "Why would he try to murder his best friends?"  
  
"Do I have to spell it out Mario?" said Peach, "Luigi has always felt neglected in his life."  
  
"That's not true," said Mario, "We always invite him to parties, tennis games, and all of the other games released on the N64. If we're there, he's there too!"  
  
"I know, but...he's only had two games. 'Luigi's Mansion' and 'Mario is Missing'. That's a small amount compared to the games you've had."  
  
"Yeah, but at least he starred in games. I mean Luigi almost beats out Yoshi in the number of games, and he definitely beats out Toad since he only starred in 'Wario's Woods'."  
  
"Mario right," said Yoshi, in his broken speech, "Luigi wouldn't want kill us for that because he had a good amount of his games. You don't have any games Peach, so if anything you should be one to kill us, heh heh!"  
  
Peach stared at them.  
  
"Don't give her any idea's," shouted Mario.  
  
"Mario!" Peach exclaimed.  
  
"Uh...I mean...." sputtered Mario.  
  
"Er.........let's just change the topic," Toad said nervously. Toad is pretty famous for being a nervous guy. He's nowhere near as nervous as Wooster is, though, Peach's other assistant. "So come on people, what do we talk about now?"  
  
"How about we talk about how we can escape from this?" said Mario.  
  
"Great idea!" said Toad, "I'm going to get the climbing gear and I'll meet you guys by the tower window. We're going to have to work by Morse code though, so..."  
  
"Or how about we just leave?" suggested Peach.  
  
"Also a great idea!" said Toad.  
  
"Let's leave then," said Yoshi.  
  
"But what will be our excuse for leaving?" said Mario.  
  
"Our excuse will be that Luigi's cooking sucks," said Peach.  
  
Everyone got up and started to leave when Luigi walked out of the kitchen. "Hey, where are you guys going? I just finished dinner!"  
  
Everyone stood still. "Luigi, er, we'd really like to stay," said Peach, "But we have to go do stuff now."  
  
"What stuff?" said Luigi.  
  
"I dunno," said Peach.  
  
"But when I asked you guys whether or not you wanted to eat some of my cooking you all agreed to it!" said Luigi, "and now you all have something else to do? I don't understand?"  
  
"I know it must seem weird just leaving like this, and it's not like we don't want to eat your food," said Mario, "Especially from how...interesting it smells."  
  
"Yeah," added Toad, "how could we not want to eat after seeing how repulsive...I mean dangerous...I mean toxic...I mean delicious all of the ingredients look."  
  
Luigi smiled. "Well if you guys want to eat it so much then sit down then. I'll have the waiters bring it out." Everyone looked at each other glumly and sat down. The minute the waiters pulled the food into the room was filled with a nasty odor. Everyone pulled whatever clothing they had on and put it over their noses (poor Yoshi couldn't do anything because the only thing he wore were boots). "Okay Yoshi," said Luigi, "I know how much you like fruits and berries and the like so I made a fruit platter on top of a koopa's shell."  
  
"Wow, Yoshi never seen grapes look so white before," said Yoshi.  
  
"Oh no...those aren't grapes, those are eyeballs," said Luigi.  
  
Yoshi said nothing.  
  
Luigi put the next plate in front of Peach. "And Peach, this is your dish since you like vegetables so much."  
  
Peach looked at her plate. "I don't see any vegetables, I just see meat."  
  
"Exactly," said Luigi, "Since you like eating vegetables so much I thought it was about you get some protein, and what better way of getting it than with monkey brains and donkey intestines."  
  
Peach gagged uncontrollably.  
  
"This is turning into an episode of Fear Factor," said Mario.  
  
"Here Mario," said Luigi, placing a bowl in front of his brother, "you get to have a big bowl of pasta."  
  
"Luigi, what's this discolored stuff floating in my pasta?" asked Mario.  
  
"Fungus," answered Luigi. "It's not really different from the mushrooms you eat off of your daily pizzas."  
  
Toad's face twisted in horror. "Luigi, how can you be so insensitive?"  
  
Luigi suddenly remembered that Toad IS a mushroom. "I didn't mean it that way Toad. How can I explain this?" wondered Luigi. He thought for a moment and finally came up with an explanation. "You see Toad, there are some mushrooms we talk to, like you, and then there are some mushrooms we eat, like the ones on a pizza."  
  
"As if there's a difference!" shouted Toad, "I guess no one remembers how my father died, right? You know, how he was mistaken for a topping and cooked into a mushroom and anchovy pizza!"  
  
"Eeew, anchovies!" Peach said disgusted. Toad glared at her. "Oh right...you're father...sorry," apologized the princess.  
  
"I'm sorry for your loss," said Luigi, "Here, I think this might cheer you up." Luigi placed a small bowl in front of Toad. The liquid in there was completely yellow.  
  
"What is this?" asked Toad.  
  
"It's called 'Dry Soup'," said Luigi, "Try some."  
  
Toad took the spoon and hesitantly put some of it into his mouth. "Hey...this isn't so bad," said Toad, "Though I never had soup that tasted so dry before." Toad drank spoonful after spoonful until all of the soup was gone. "Ahhh! Seconds please!"  
  
"Wow Toad! I didn't think you'd like it that much."  
  
"I didn't think so either, but I really like it!" exclaimed Toad. He started convulsing and then he slammed his head against the table.  
  
"Oh no!" shouted Mario, "Toad is dead! You killed Toad!"  
  
"I knew it!" shouted Peach, "Don't say I never said anything!"  
  
Toad wasn't dead though. He got back up and started spinning around. He did a couple of somersaults soon after. He somehow landed on the table, which was an ideal place for him to practice his martial arts.  
  
"What the [radio edit] is Toad doing?" asked Yoshi.  
  
Peach tried to sit Toad down but he pulled away and started running around the room. Everyone got up and chased after him until he ran on the walls. He didn't take account of the windows though. He ran right through one like it was a trapdoor.  
  
His friends screamed and ran towards the window. Looking out they could see Toad falling headfirst onto the grassy lawn. They left out of the dining hall and ran down the six flights of stairs, heading straight to the closest exit. When they finally found Toad he was lying upside down on the ground with spirals in his eyes.  
  
Mario made him sit up. "Toad, are you okay?" he said, "You took a pretty bad fall."  
  
Toad didn't say anything.  
  
"He doesn't look so good," said Luigi.  
  
Peach began to get really worried now. "Toad, say something," she said.  
  
Toad blinked a couple of times and opened his mouth.  
  
"Thank you Mario but our princess is in another castle."  
  
Everyone stared at Toad blankly. "What was that, Toad?" asked Mario.  
  
"Thank you Mario but our princess is in another castle," repeated Toad.  
  
"Oh, that's what I thought you said....well say something else."  
  
"Thank you Mario but our princess is in another castle," repeated Toad.  
  
"No...something ELSE!" demanded Mario.  
  
"Thank you Mario but our princess is in another castle," repeated Toad. 


	2. Wooster's Advice

_(A/N: I don't own anything that Nintendo owns. That could include Wooster because I don't know who owns that character; he's just the guy who was in the Nintendo Adventure Books. Dr. Shroom is my own creation (You can imagine me dancing around joyfully because I've made up a random character with a generic name).  
  
Also, just about every character in this chapter and the next are OOC. Bear with me here, it is integral to the storyline.)_

****

Peach ran up the stairs going up the Castle's west tower. She didn't know where to turn for Toad's condition so she went to find Wooster, her chief Mushroom Assistant. He was located at the very top of the west tower.  
  
"Wooster," Peach yelled, "I need your help."  
  
"What's wrong?" asked Wooster.  
  
"Toad fell out of a window and now he's speaking funny," said Peach.  
  
"Oh gee, really" Wooster said in a confused voice, "Um, let me see what I can do."  
  
Peach let Wooster out of the rusty cage she held him in. Meanwhile Mario, Luigi and Yoshi tried to get Toad to say something normal.  
  
"Thank you Mario but our princess is in another castle," Toad said for the hundredth time.  
  
"Why Toad keep talking like that?" asked Yoshi.  
  
"Well we know that it has something to do with Toad hitting his huge head or whatever onto the ground," hypothesized Luigi, "But what we need to figure out is why the heck Toad is saying that same phrase over and over again."  
  
"It's probably an offshoot of your terrible, vomit-inducing food," said Mario.  
  
"Yes that could be a possibility but it could also wha-wha-WHAT!" screeched Luigi, finally catching on. "Terrible? Vomit-inducing? What exactly do you mean?"  
  
Mario gave Luigi a blank stare. "I mean your food is _terrible_ and _vomit-inducing_," he said, "I mean let's be real, you suck as a cook. I mean you put together the dumbest combinations of food together, like you're desperate for someone to blow chunks."  
  
Luigi's eyes bugged out. "I'm not trying to make anyone blow chunks!" he shouted.  
  
"Then why are you mixing food and eyeballs and carpet lint together you freak?"  
  
"I do it because I'm a master chef," said Luigi.  
  
"Here we go again," said Mario, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Unlike like joe average chef, master chefs must constantly break barriers that have long been placed on the food kingdom. We, as artists, must..."  
  
"Shut up!" shouted Mario, "Just because you bought that cookbook in the Beanbean Kingdom, doesn't make you a master chef."  
  
"Yeah well just because you went to a technical school for one year, failed, and bought a wrench a week later doesn't make a plumber," retorted Luigi.  
  
Mario started grumbling to himself. Meanwhile, Peach and Wooster were running around the castle and heading towards the group that has formed around Toad. "Okay, what seems to be the problem again," asked Wooster.  
  
"Toad fell out of the window and hit his head," said Mario, still angry, "now he just repeats the same stupid phrase over and over again."  
  
"Okay, I'm going to try something." Wooster put two fingers in front of Toad's face. "How many fingers am I holding up?"  
  
"Two," answered Luigi.  
  
"He was asking Toad!" snapped Peach.  
  
"Oh," said Luigi.  
  
"Toad, how many fingers?" Wooster asked again.  
  
"Thank you Mario but our princess is in another castle," said Toad.  
  
"Yep, he's gone," said Wooster.  
  
"Yeah...but can't you help him?" asked Peach  
  
"No," said Wooster, "But you know what? Going to a hospital would be a great idea!"  
  
"A hospital?" wondered Peach, "Hm, I don't know, tell me more about this 'hospital' mechanism."  
  
"Well there is a ton of things you can do there!" said Wooster, "Doctors work around the clock to keep adults and children as healthy as possible. If you're sick you can get better with medicine and hospital food. And sometimes you can make reservations to see how well you are."  
  
"A hospital, of course!" shouted Mario.  
  
"Yes, I agree," said Peach, "This 'hospital' sounds interesting and I would like some pamphlets on it."  
  
"I don't really have any pamphlets," said Wooster, "but my advice is to get Toad to the hospital as soon as possible."  
  
"Good idea," said Luigi, "you know if you keep this up Wooster, Peach may let you out the cruel confines she imprisons you in everyday."  
  
"You think so?" said Wooster.  
  
Peach turned towards Wooster. "Yes, in fact if Toad does not pull through, you will be my new Mushroom Retainer," she said. This means you get to help me run the entire Mushroom Kingdom! Doesn't that sound exciting?"  
  
Wooster made a weak, inaudible noise. Mario noticed Wooster's pants. "It seems that someone has wet themselves," said Mario. Wooster made a high- pitched yelp and ran away. "That's sad to be wetting yourself at that age," said Mario.  
  
"Man, you're older than him and you wet your pants every week!" Luigi pointed out.  
  
"Yes!" shouted Mario, "but I'm not doing it now so shut up Luigi!" 


	3. The 'It'sa me' Syndrome

Peach, Mario, Luigi, and Yoshi marched into the hospital with Toad in their arms. They dropped his miniature body in front of the receptionist.  
  
"We have an emergency situation!" said Peach.  
  
"What's the emergency," asked the receptionist even though she didn't care. Peach shoved Toad in front of her face and squeezed his neck.  
  
"Thank you Mario but our princess is in another castle," said Toad  
  
"Oh," said the receptionist, still not interested. She picks a pad and pen and hands it to Peach. "Please take a seat fill in the spaces on this page and this page and the second half of this page when you're done put it in front the desk window the doctor will see you when he is available thank you."  
  
"We can't wait that long," shouted Peach, "Do you even realize who I am?"  
  
"Yes PRINCESS PEACH TOADSTOOL I know exactly who you are," the receptionist nearly gritted, "what, you think just because you are the ruler of this entire kingdom that you are somehow better than everyone else?"  
  
Peach slowly pulled out of a frying pan but out of nowhere walked in Dr. Shroom. Peach put the frying back into her dress.  
  
"Princess Toadstool, what pleasant surprise," said Dr. Shroom, smiling. "I didn't think you'd come back to the hospital so soon."  
  
"I've been here before?" asked Peach.  
  
"Well of course," said the doctor, "when you were in labor and you were rushed to the hospital. Remember you had that baby and Dr. Mario performed a C-section?"  
  
"Completely different fanfic Doc," Mario said plainly.  
  
"A different what-now?" asked the doctor.  
  
"You see now we don't know what a hospital is."  
  
"But you did in another time?"  
  
"Yes...in the other fanfic."  
  
"So, wouldn't you know now?"  
  
"Ofcourse not, why would we?"  
  
Dr. Shroom looked at Mario and then he turned to the receptionist who shrugged and went back to work or whatever standing around a desk is. "So," said Dr. Shroom, "What brings you all here?"  
  
"This," said Peach. She held Toad in front of the doctor's face and squeezed his neck.  
  
"Thank you Mario but our princess is in another castle," said Toad.  
  
"You must enjoy doing that," said Luigi.  
  
"I do," said Peach. Her face got all creepy and it sent chills down his spine.  
  
"Peach, you've been acting pretty freaky lately," said Luigi.  
  
"It must be that dinner you served us," Mario said to Luigi, "It's making everyone act a little strangely."  
  
  
  
"Can someone tell Yoshi to stop chewing my tongue depressors?" asked Dr. Shroom. Everyone was in the doctor's office now. Dr. Shroom has been trying to make observations on Toad but it's tough because Yoshi keeps trying to eat his utensils.  
  
Mario came to the rescue. "Yoshi, come here boy. Heel," he ordered.  
  
"Yoshi's not your boy," said Luigi.  
  
Peach put her finger to her lips to symbolize silence. Meanwhile Dr. Shroom set up the eye chart on the wall. Toad sat on a high chair. His face showed no sign of emotion or thought, like he was some sort of life- sized doll. After Dr. Shroom was done he walked over to Toad and placed an instrument over his left eye. "Okay Toad," said the doctor, "read the letters on the second level."  
  
"Thank you Mario but our princess is in another castle," said Toad.  
  
"Now read the letters on the third level," said Dr. Shroom  
  
"Thank you Mario but our princess is in another castle"  
  
"Now the fourth level,"  
  
"Thank you Mario but our princess is in another castle."  
  
"Just as I had expected," said Dr. Shroom, "This eye chart isn't helping at all!" Dr. Shroom threw the eye chart out the window. A car is heard crashing and exploding. "It's obvious that Toad is suffering from "It'sa Me" syndrome," said the doctor. "Basically, the person repeats a certain phrase without saying anything else, as I'm sure you all have experienced. It's not deadly though it can be irritating."  
  
"Tell me about it," said Luigi, throwing Mario a crusty glare.  
  
"I really don't think I can handle this sort of procedure," said Dr. Shroom, "But I know a doc..."  
  
"I guess you don't do much of anything," said Mario.  
  
Dr. Shroom paused. "Huh?" he said.  
  
"Last time we were here you couldn't deliver Peach's baby," said Mario, "don't you do something around the hospital besides chatting it up?"  
  
"Wait a minute," said Dr. Shroom, "weren't you just saying that...those occurrences were in another fanfic or something?"  
  
"Yeah," said Mario.  
  
"So doesn't that mean it didn't happen, according to your philosophy?"  
  
"No of course it happened," said Mario, "You were there weren't you?"  
  
"Of course I was there, I remember everything," said Dr. Shroom, "But you keep saying it's the first time you've visited this hospital."  
  
"Right," said Mario.  
  
"Which means none of those events happened?" asked Dr. Shroom.  
  
"Yes, now you're getting it!" exclaimed Mario.  
  
"But you just said that those things happened ten seconds ago," said Dr. Shroom.  
  
"Of course they did," said Mario, "Why wouldn't they."  
  
Dr. Shroom's jaw dropped. Nothing about that conversation made any sense. "Okay, you know what, I'm going to get the doctor who will handle Toad's situation and, um, I'll be right back!" After the doctor closed the door, Luigi immediately jumped down Mario's throat.  
  
"What the heck was that about?" shouted Luigi. "No one knows what you're talking about."  
  
"I know what he's talking about," said I, the author, "after all I did write those stories."  
  
"You're not supposed to be here!" said Luigi.  
  
"Oh yeah," said me, "Exit, stage right."  
  
Something caught Mario's eye at this point. Yoshi was chewing Dr. Shroom's tongue depressors again. "Yoshi! Down boy!" commanded Mario.  
  
"Popsicle?" whistled Yoshi.  
  
"No not popsicle," said Mario. He took out a roll of newspaper and started whacking Yoshi over the head with it.  
  
"Leave poor old Yoshi alone," said Peach.  
  
"That's another thing," said Luigi, "You keep treating Yoshi like he is a dog."  
  
"He's not a dog," said Mario, "He's more like a horse, since I can ride him."  
  
"Quit acting like you own him," accused Luigi.  
  
"Why not," said Mario, "I found him so the green horse belongs to me."  
  
"You're only saying these things to make me annoyed," said Luigi.  
  
Jenny Jones walked into the room. "Mario and Luigi used to be _**Dawgs**_...but that has stopped since Mario treats Yoshi like a _**Dog**_," said the host.  
  
"Jenny Jones?" said Peach, "Your show got cancelled so that means no one cares about you or your stupid, lame rhymes." Peach threw Jenny Jones out the window, causing another car crash.  
  
"That was weird," said Mario, "anyway, so what if I treat my friends like subservient animals, atleast I don't make rotten food like 'Dry Soup' and 'Eyeball Fruit Platter'!"  
  
Luigi's blood was boiling up. "If it was so rotten then did you all want to eat it so much?" he asked.  
  
"We were doing you a favor, we had no idea that you learned to cook in a New Jersey garbage dump."  
  
"How could you not know how I cooked, we've lived together for our entire lifetimes."  
  
"Yeah, but all you did was make breakfast. And really I don't see how someone can screw up milk and cerea..."  
  
THWACK!  
  
Peach had whacked Mario with the frying pan she had. He laid on the ground and his eyes were all swirly.  
  
"Ow! Why did you do that for?" squealed Mario.  
  
"Because you two were giving me a headache, but you more so," said Peach, "Have you both forgotten the reason why we are here?" Everyone looks at Toad, who sat on the chair like a silent witness. "I don't know what happened to us, why we've been so jumpy lately. Maybe it's because we're worried about Toad, or maybe when Toad was normal he worried about the things we didn't have to. All I know that I want Toad back and I don't think screaming at each other is going to solve anything."  
  
"Thank you Mario but our princess is in another castle!" squawked Toad.  
  
"OKAY TOAD!" screamed Peach, "WE HEARD YOU THE FIRST 3,714 TIMES ALREADY, WE KNOW THAT THE PRINCESS IS IN ANOTHER CASTLE SO YOU CAN STOP TALKING NOW!  
  
--Silence--  
  
"Yoshi needs to go the bathroom," said Yoshi, "Me wonder if there good bush around."  
  
Yoshi got up and walked over to the door just as it swung open. Dr. Shroom had come back with another doctor. Yoshi slowly stepped backwards, right into his friends who were shocked by who the other doctor was in the doorway.  
  
"You!" said Mario.


End file.
